loved

Learning the hard way...

2011-03-15T11:09:00.002+08:00

Feeling really stressed out and upset with myself… somehow, there are just too many things on my plate and I really don’t know where to start. Whenever I decide to start on 1 thing, I end up getting chased for another thing, and this just keeps going on until I really feel like I’m losing my mind. Where should I start? Shall I just refuse them and make people upset just so I can do what I think is most important?

Yes. Just do what is most urgent and important on your list. Push back everything that is not urgent for you, even if it is urgent for others.

Something that made me smile today...

2011-01-24T09:41:00.002+08:00

Normally, on my way to work, I'd pass by an old man who stands by the side to collect read New Papers or Today Newspapers... He'd then separate them by the types.

Today, I thought I heard him "arguing" with someone. Turns out, a kind lady was giving him some CNY goodies, and he was too "pai seh" to accept it.

So sweet!! Made me feel like there is hope in this world.

-smiles-

Wierd

2010-11-18T16:43:00.002+08:00

Was on the train today, on my way to work, and my stomach started producing gastric again... So I took out my opaque waterbottle (with milk)and wanted to drink some milk to stop the growling..

Then lo and behold, some weird old auntie sitting on the privileged seat started waving to me.. and she motioned to me that drinking is not allowed on the trains... wah!!! felt so pissed off!!! Why is she so kapoh!!! Now I can't say I did not know that you can't drink on the trains. And I had to suffer gastric the whole trip to work..

What happened next? I just gave her a pissed off look, kept my bottle and looked away. Did not look at her after that throughout the trip... Angry.

Why can't people eat sweets and drink water from their water bottle on trains? It is necessary for pple with motion sickness and pple who are just thirsty!!! This is even stricter than the Primary Schools... ugh...

I believe I can't be the first person to be asking this...

2010-10-13T15:36:00.003+08:00

Was strolling to the training room, thinking I still have 5 min before training starts... Thought I'd just go in early and "chope" a computer terminal first...

walked in, the lights were off, and there was a lady standing at the board writing: "competency test"

That's not my class! So I wondered if I went to the wrong room... But the announcement board outside says Room 3.8! So the lady suggested that I check with the customer service counter downstairs.

"Hi, I'm supposed to go for this training course, and the board says that it is at room 3.8. But I just came down from there and there is another event going on there. Could you help to check if the rooms for my class has changed?"

"Oh, the board says 3.8? Let me check my hardcopy records."

"Actually, my class is supposed to start at 9am and it is now 9am. You mean no one has come to ask you this question? I can't believe I'm the first person to be asking this.." (irritated look)

-after a phone call-

"Oh, my colleague has informed me that your class is still going on, but it is not a morning class, but an afternoon class."

-awkward silence, face turns red, mumbles a "thank you", and runs away...

---------------------------------------------------------

I can't believe I did this...

It's raining cats and dogs outside ...

2010-09-30T11:12:00.003+08:00

I love the rain. I love the sound of it. I love the coolness that comes with it. I love hiding under the blanket and sleeping on a rainy day.

I love sitting on the beach on a cloudy day. I love to stare out at the sea and hear the waves. I love to feel the wind in my face, and the sand under my feet.

I love the clouds. I love the way they shift and change shape. I love the quietness of it all; movement without sound. So unassuming, so unpredictable.

Stop wanting things that you cannot have, slow down and breathe, and you will be happier.

Why am I at work?? Can't wait to go out and see the sea and sky......

Porcupine Syndrome

2010-09-27T16:35:00.004+08:00

Just thought of this episode on a very old show, where 1 of the main characters got jealous over a girl, and started treating his friends very badly. His friend then confronted him for his "porcupine illness"...

Got me thinking that I may have this "porcupine syndrome" too. Whenever people get close to me, and when I feel that my comfort zone has been intruded, I tend to suddenly spike up and hurt them, pushing them so far that I find it hard to say sorry...

I finally got my watch!! expensive.. but really feels worth it... wanted to wait till I get my Ang Baos for my birthday before getting it.. but I'm too dependent on my watch to wait 2 mths... =P

What do you ask for?

2010-09-27T14:20:00.003+08:00

3 Elisha said, "Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don't ask for just a few. 4 Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side." 5 She left him and afterward shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring. 6 When all the jars were full, she said to her son, "Bring me another one." But he replied, "There is not a jar left." Then the oil stopped flowing.

My God is a generous and powerful God, but I often am too pai seh to ask Him for smth big...

So I've decided. Just ask. Then leave the results to Him. If yes, thank God. If no, thank God. For now, it's time to move on, and find smth meaningful to do with all that free time.

Travel plans

2010-09-20T10:25:00.001+08:00

I... want... to... go... overseas...... again.......

but my pocket won't let me...

sigh.

To err is human...

2010-09-16T10:20:00.004+08:00

happy, scared, contented, afraid, empty.

Stop indulging in negativity. It is a bottomless pit from which no one can save you, because even you yourself do not feel you deserve to be rescued.

Be kind to yourself even if the world is not.

Irrationality. To think that the whole world hates you / looks down on you. Do they really?

And if they do, which I believe they do, then does it really matter? Very few people (can count with 1 hand) can actually have the love of everyone around them. I had hoped I'd be one of the elite few.. but nah...

So don't hope that your boss and colleagues will be kind to you after you make countless mistakes. People will lose faith in you after each mistake, small or big, and it'll take time to regain that trust.

Jia you. Hang in there. You will make it one day.

Fix your eyes on the ultimate prize, and you will do more than to survive.

Knowledge is power?

2010-08-02T11:23:00.003+08:00

Some believe that knowledge is power... But is it really?

"the serpent said to the woman 'For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.' When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was ... desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it."

Was just thinking... Perhaps knowledge can be both servant and master. It is your servant when you gain more good knowledge and apply them to help people. Or, it can be your master when your mind gets filled up with sinful things and you are haunted / tempted by the constant memory. In the 2nd case, the extra unnecessary knowledge becomes your shackle, like the strings of the puppet. Satan pulls on it and you are tempted to sin.

Be careful what you expose yourself to. Certain knowledge is bad.

The Dilemma...

2010-07-29T10:32:00.003+08:00

Don't get me wrong... I am glad to have a job.. to have a job that does not have politics.. to have a job with good relationships with colleagues.. Just that sometimes it is hard to deal with the little things that make the work experience hard to bear...

I'm doing this "CCA" at my workplace that has to do with finance. As you know, finance and HR don't go very well together. One puts people first, the other, $. And when you put the 2 together, I end up pissing alot of people off. Why doesn't anyone see that I am not the bad guy here?? I also don't want to chase you for returns. I also don't want to make you cut your budget. But as a middleman, I have to get the 2 parties to compromise. Even if you show me black face or refuse to smile at me along the walkway unless you need my help, there is really nth that I can do to change the situation. The ball is not in my court. I'd love to help, don't get my wrong, and I do tt by helping to bargain. But the decision is not in my hands.

Feels lonely to stand in a room full of people standing in cliques, when you have no one to join. It's a sucky feeling. I am reluctant to intrude into any groups (altho I know I can), cos I worry that they'd think I am intrusive (in the negative sense of the word).

Stop being overly self conscious. Stop thinking that people hate you. It makes you shun others, and then that becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.

So the dilemma lies in the fact that I do like my job, but I also have all these things tt make me upset during work. Who can I turn to? Everyone has their own troubles...

Back to work.

A life of influence

2010-06-18T15:06:00.002+08:00

Beauty [Wikipedia] : Beauty is a characteristic of a person, animal, place, object, or idea that provides a perceptual experience of pleasure, meaning, or satisfaction. An "ideal beauty" is an entity which is admired, or possesses features widely attributed to beauty in a particular culture, for perfection.

Ever wanted a beautiful life? What does a beautiful life mean to you?

A beautiful life is not so much how much you acquire in your lifetime, nor is it about how many kids you have, nor about how many people like you. It is about how many lives you touch. It's about how you live your life in a way that inspires others to obey God. Heard a few testimonies about how some people thirst for God, simply because they have seen how someone else do it and live a meaningful life, and are therefore inspired to live for God too.

My life is not that beautiful yet. But I want it to be...

Find us faithful (Steve Green)
Surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses
Let us run the race not only for the prize
But as those who've gone before us
Let us leave to those behind us
The heritage of faithfulness passed on through godly lives

CHORUS:
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
May the fire of our devotion light their way
May the footprints that we leave
Lead them to believe
And the lives we live inspire them to obey

The True Gospel (Paul Washer)

2010-06-11T15:10:00.003+08:00

The stars are always present. But they only shine when placed against the dark sky.

Salvation is always there, but we will only see the beauty of it when we see the darkness tt surrounds us.

Everything is about us; our needs; our feelings. Right? NO. You'll never find true joy as long as you place the focus on the wrong thing. It's all about Him.

what is the basis for our hope? I am trusting in the virtue and merit of another.
---
Everyone has plans. Students plan to do well in exams. Adults plan to do well at work and to be promoted. Women plan to find the "one" and to marry early and have kids. But all these plans will remain the plans of the foolish man, until we subject them to the approval of God, to let him delete what we hold dear, and to add what we dislike.

Faith is the greatest lesson you can learn.

The prodigal son...

2010-06-09T21:17:00.002+08:00

Can't believe I'm blogging again after so long... Can't believe my laptop has stored my passwords after so long and is still able to log me in.

Had this sense of bewilderment as I read my past posts... from Sept 2005 till now... with my last post being in Nov 2008. It's been so long.. I was so young... I've changed so much.. Aged so much. My reality has changed. and yet... i admire the honesty I had in so many of my old posts... the perspectives then help to shed light on my present. The randomness of the past coming back to help my present.

I need you. I need you now more than ever. I don't want to see, don't want to feel. I want the numbness that comes with overwhelming pain.

I hope no one reads this. No one probably will.. after all these years...

I really am grateful for you. You knew what was coming my way and did all you could to cushion my fall. You really love me and have said yes to everyone else that I've asked for. So I guess this thing that I do not have is really not good for me.. In that case, then take it away for good. I want to trust in Your wisdom and your love.

Faith. The biggest lesson you can ever learn.

In biblical times, the levites and priests were not allowed to work outside. The people were instructed to provide for them and they were allowed to eat from the altars. When the Israelites returned from captivity, they were too caught up in taking care of their own needs that they forgot about God's temple. In the end, the Levites went out to work, and God was very angry.

So, why on earth are some pastors finding work outside now?? has it become a trend to do so? Or does it put the pastor on morally higher ground just cos he does not take $ from the church? When Paul did that, he was trying to prove his point to the Corinthians, and besides, he was receiving help from other churches... So when a pastor goes out and works outside of the church, can he really concentrate on God?

Shall go back to reading my past posts. They are amazingly good for that age. Cool.

microsoft and gm

2008-11-15T01:40:00.003+08:00

my lecturer shared this on his last lecture. found it really funny. its a "discussion" between Bill Gates and GM.

Bill Gates compared the computer industry with the auto industry at a computer expo, saying that GM should keep up with technology like the computer industry does.

GM responded in a press release: if GM had developed technology like microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

4. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "car NT", but then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.

7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

8. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

9. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

just couldnt stop laughing at the hidden humour. really smart rebuttal, in my opinion. haha. hope this helps you relax before continuing with your revision! =)

videos - amos' farewell

2008-09-22T15:54:00.000+08:00

silly pre-set blogskins

2008-07-30T22:25:00.002+08:00

argh. can't believe i lost all my blog addresses and tag boxes! can someone pls show me how to put them back? and do leave your blog address in my comment box when you can k? so that i can link you back. *hehe* thanks.

really wanna go overseas eh. looked at my friends' photos and i really hope i was there too. for now, i wanna go to Australia!! *haha*. just love the scenery there, and the cold weather. wonder how much it'll cost though.

for those who don't know yet, i'm working part time now. so i've two jobs. tuition, and dental assistant. busy, stressful, but it's kinda nice. i think i'm really blessed. before this job, i was thinking of doing human resource in the medical field after i graduate, and through this job, i got to talk to my bosses and colleagues, and now, i'm even more sure that this option is viable. yay!

Atlantis

2008-07-10T15:20:00.002+08:00

does anyone remember the movie "Atlantis" by Disney? i recently watched it on cable. haha thank God for cable. anyway, something just came to mind. remember the characters Wilhelmina Packard, the communications expert, and Gaetan 'Mole' Moliere, the geologist? they're direct opposites in how they see the world. Wilhelmina's favorite line is "we're all gonna die" and mole's favorite line is " i'm so excited". haha just a tot.

driven by expectations

2008-07-07T22:42:00.002+08:00

someone told me that i should not care so much about what others think or expect. someone told me that i am not obligated to others in how i make decisions. is that really possible? i mean, we're all driven by the expectations of others right? i hate housework, but i do them because i know that by doing it, i help to reduce my mom's stress. i learnt driving to drive my dad around and let him relax. i think i'm always so eager to find out what people expect so that i know where to go, especially the expectations of people i love and respect. really hard to imagine life without other people's expectations to guide me. =D maybe the best solution is to find someone worth following.

was just thinking about how i am pretty similar to adam and eve. in the beginning, everything was good. adam and eve dint know anything evil. they just did good without choosing to do so. but when given the chance to do the wrong thing, they took it right away. in the same way, i grew up in a christian home, studied in christian schools almost all my life, and i feel so terribly ignorant of swear words and dirty language. so somehow, i did not make that choice to do right either. so i guess in a sense, i'm glad God put the trees in the garden. it gave adam and eve a chance to choose for themselves who they wanna follow. it gave them a chance to show God that they loved Him.

amazing results

2008-05-30T12:35:00.003+08:00

really must thank God! for those of you who've heard me complain, i was really afraid i'd fail my level 4000 module. but i did not!!!! although i passed by a mere b-, i am just overjoyed that i did not fail!! (imagine grace clapping non stop in a room all by herself, with a laptop on her lap). haha. i probably wont be able to go any higher into 2nd upper honours but i'm ok with that. can stay in honours can liao. haha

Mod. code	Mod. title	Expected grade	Actual grade
CH2291	Chinese Tradition	B	B
GEK1506	Heavenly Mathematics: Cultural Astronomy (going to S/U)	A	B-
MKT1003	Principles Of Marketing	B+	B
SC3213	Ethnographic Analysis of Visual Media	B	B+
SC3219	Sexuality in Comparative Perspective	B	B+
SC4201	Contemporary Social Theory	C	B

anyway, some of my friends just came back from japan, and i feel so envious!! i wanna go too!!! sigh. too bad i'm too broke and cant get the approval. nevermind. next year when i actually graduate. anyone interested in going with me??

battered

2008-05-13T00:03:00.002+08:00

exams are finally over. phew. couldnt say they were well done, but there's nothing to regret either.

this sem has been... trying. came out battered and bruised. i can no longer see myself the same way again. somehow, i've become more suspicious of people around me, alot more harsh on myself, and alot less secure in being who i am. i need a boost-me-up-er.

2008-03-12T23:39:00.002+08:00

was talking about the mas selamat thing ytd. he proves that the singapore prisons arent as secure as we thought. which is why the govt is so dumbfounded as to how it happened, but are so eager to bring him back and restore their reputation. there are so many rumours out there about how he has black magic skills or that someone let him out.

then it got me thinking. i wonder if this is how the romans felt when they lost Jesus' body. hahahaha. i mean, he's dead, so there is no one to chase back. and they hated to have their reputation destroyed. hmm. so what happened? say he had black magic and left on his own? say that his disciples let him out?

the only difference is that Jesus couldnt have walked out and performed memory loss on the soldiers if he was dead.

just a thought.

true joy and faithfulness

2008-03-09T23:42:00.002+08:00

become more protective of myself over the years. thought it was my past that haunts me. but it is perhaps more than that. was going to surrender. say i don't want to get hurt anymore. the more i try the more hurt i get. so why try.

but i realize why. i realize what faithfulness is. i can say i've tried. but if i give up, i haven't tried. what did i get myself into?

joy is looking at the past and thanking God. looking at the present and depending on God. looking at the future, with all its uncertainty, knowing that there are many "impossibles", and yet smiling and leaving it all to God.

Lord, you know my heart's desire. give me what you deem best. if it benefits me, give it to me. if it harms me, hold it from me, even if i want it very much. be patient with me as i learn to trust you, whether or not i get what i want.

ultimate stupidity

2008-03-03T00:27:00.002+08:00

i realize i can be pretty stubborn when i want to. talk about once bitten, forever live in fear. i live in fear, but i still don't mind living in it for the little lessons i get out of the bitting. strange. sometimes i wonder why i go thru all that for the little lessons. is it worth it?

i think i'll get indigestion from everything that i have on my plate. haha. maybe i already have indigestions. how do i know? i have been arguing with my parents over every little thing recently. a big neon sign that something is wrong with me.

why am i as busy as a working adult, altho i am a student?

2008-02-29T01:43:00.007+08:00

a picture speaks a thousand words. so lets shut up and listen shall we?

an outing of girls - Korean food, and dessert at NYDC. yummy *^_^*

my (failed) moon project. no. this is not the street lamp. this is a photo of the full moon a day before the Chinese full moon festival.

my mom's birthday.

2008-02-18T14:34:00.002+08:00

since pple have complained that my posts are too chim, i shall simplify the last one (i try ah)

all that is solid melts into air - imagine everything that you see and touch now. solids. what if one day you realise none of these exist. that all along you've been living someone else's life. that nothing is real (sounds like the matrix huh. i tot so too). but anyway, that is supposedly the result of modernity. but i was just thinking. whether the world is real or not to me, whether it is solid or gas, everything is still created by God. so many sociologists i know, have come to reject God and reject the whole idea of one god. everyone is right. we should not force our ideas upon others. everyone is just trying to sit on the fence. but i need to make a stand for myself. i don't wanna say everyone is right. although i respect your opinion, and i dont try to force you to agree with me, i still must say that there is an absolute truth out there. because God says so. and i believe in God. if i say nothing is truth, then i'm saying there is no God. no God = no me = no belief. i dont wanna live like this. i need to have a set of my own principles.

until now, after almost 3 years of sociology, i'm still trying to modify and realign my principles. help. i need help.

i'm tired of making pple feel special. i'm tired of loving others. i used to do it naturally. i used to believe everyone deserves to be loved and to feel special. but i've come to realize that pple take that for granted and step all over me. i want to be loved too. i want to feel special too (no this is not a trick to get pple to do things for me). its been so long since i laughed my heart out. the last time i did, it felt weird, felt... alien. the feeling of happiness is so far away. i feel sad and tired alot more often now. thats why i dun have the drive to call pple up to talk randomly, or to write postcards. i still try to show concern thru sms. but thats not often either. most of the time, pple dun even bother to reply, and no one smses me to ask how i am. how to feel special? everyone has so many pple to love. its impossible to love me in a special way. my parents have 3 kids. loving me with special love would be bias. my friends have so many friends. they wont have the energy to love me more than the rest. that would be unfair for me to ask also. God has billions and gazillions of pple to love. how to love me with a special love?

or can He? i mean, His love is unlimited isnt' it?

2008-01-29T23:39:00.000+08:00

all that is solid melts into air. the result of modernity.

but whether it is solid or gaseous, they are still creations of God. aren't they?

gain or lose. there is no standing in the middle.

funny things at the end of 2007

2008-01-04T11:47:00.000+08:00

its 2008 already! feel so old. anyway quite a few funny things happened to me.

first. had a girls outing (finally) in december! haha. the kind we only have once a year. thanks angela for organizing! but anyway we had breakfast at macs before going to sentosa. and i was happily eating my burger and then decided to eat my hashbrown. i picked it up and realized that it had already been bitten into. so i stared for very very long, then i looked across at my sister. "did you eat my hashbrown?". and she gave me a horrible stare. so ya, not her. then i asked ruth who was beside me. then i got a frantic "no! no! no!". but i kinda tot it was her, since she likes to trick me. so i kept pushing her and she kept saying no.

then my sis - "but i saw you eat your hashbrown before eating your burger!"

until now i still cant remember whether i ate it or not. sigh.

second. on 30th dec, my mom wanted to go perm her hair and i kinda decided to accompany her since i'm so free. and of cos, trim my hair and get her to pay. haha. so i went down after church. went in, sat down. watched them get started on my mom. then i started looking at the posters and my mom, for some strange reason, tot i wanted to perm my hair. so when the stylist asked if i wanted to perm, she suggested that i get a perm! they both agreed on this pic on the poster and it looked fine. so me being me, just went along with it.

think i've given quite a few pple heart attacks along the way. its just too different huh. hahahah

manna from heaven

2007-11-17T03:21:00.001+08:00

dinner with anna at manhattan fish market, followed by dessert at some jap place =p my first times ><all except one of the presents i received this year, taken by my other present - new samsung phone, which is not here=)
the ice cream treat at vincent's

This year’s 21^st birthday is very special. Many good things have happened so far. Haha surprise parties, presents etc.

First thing, presentation. It was good. Nothing very special, but my group managed to shut the whole class up since we answered the topic quite well it seemed. This lesson ended late. So I did not have much time to study for oral which was right after this and the whole time I was praying that God will miraculously make my brain work.

And God gave me something better! He sent 2 of my classmates. They came and shared with me some vocabulary cards that they made!!! Amazing! Angels just descended from heaven and gave me manna. Haha. One of them even offered to test me!!! I was so surprised because by helping me, she has less time to study and her oral was first! Along the way, she also helped come up with silly ways to remember the words. And they worked wonderfully. And when we were talking about the oral, the word “maram” was mentioned. I had already forgotten about this word, but after she mentioned it, I remember that it meant “tree”.

So I went in for oral. When I was practicing outside, I couldn’t remember most of the things. But somehow, when I went in, I started remembering things like “maram”. Its like math. “Ma-n-kay” = unripe mango. “ma-m-palam” = ripe mango. So I guessed that “ma-maram” = mango tree! Bingo! Then there were other words. all guessed correctly. Haha and for vocab, I picked the lot for “numbers”. Just need to list from 1-10. hahaha. MANNA FROM HEAVEN!

Then driving today. I was preparing myself for failing. But I passed. I was so so happy!! Once I got back into BBDC, the tester told me I passed. I was so happy, I gave a big grin and thumbs up at my instructor who was outside, haha then sms everyone to share the good news. But I can’t drive my father’s van yet. Its too big and it does not have power steering. So it’s still quite dangerous. But I’m grateful that I don’t have to go for anymore lessons! YES!

My father was so happy. It’s like a birthday present for him too, that he does not have to pay for my driving lessons anymore. Haha. Now his whole church knows=X

2007-11-09T00:48:00.000+08:00

and here is my first time using the panoramic view function in my camera. hahaha sorry. kinda phone-idiot =pwent to brunch with my relatives today. haha took so many photos! i'm crazy. haha

here is my brother, the star in my camera-_-

happy birthday to you...

2007-10-30T00:18:00.000+08:00

wasnt free yesterday so i shall post with whatever time i have now =)

saturday night, i went to my piggy bank and dug out all my savings to prepare to treat SM and ZJ for their birthday presents. went to bed happy that i can finally treat them and not owe them presents.

Sunday after service, was talking to Amos, and suddenly he tells me that he is coming to my birthday party. so i just stared at him and wondered what gave him the idea i was definitely having a party? i mean, i tot about having one but had not told many pple. but knowing me, i might have said it to him before, so i told him that the party was not confirmed and he kept insisting that he would be coming, so i suspected that NLYM would celebrate for me. but my birthday is in november so i tot it would be the saturday before my birthday.

went to meet SM, kinda pissed to find that so many pple are tagging along. cos i really wanted to treat the 2 guys. too many pple means its harder to treat. but anyway we (a large group of us) walked to United Square for lunch. i was already feeling very hungry. then when we were JUST about to reach United Square, SM happily got an sms "from vincent" requesting that we all go back to church to pray for him. i was so pissed la! why cant vincent cant meet us at united square instead? since there were so many of us there already. so anyway, i was too tired to say anything much. so we walked back. on the way back, i was telling the girls that maybe vincent was worried about wednesday so that's why he called us back.

reached church. went up the lift. door opens and i see jonathan holding a video camera. i frowned a bit but did not question much. walked to the corridoor and wondered why there were so many strangers standing around. then ZJ walks past me out towards the lobby and i got a bit confused. plus, i saw my grandma in the corridoor and i went to say hi to her and asked why she was here. "i am here to participate!" so i thought there was some talk going on which explains the strangers. so i happily walked into the room and suddenly i was like. ok...... how come no one told me we're celebrating ZJ's birthday in church?????

then i saw my parents and i finally got it. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah. -frowns-, -drops jaw-, -laugh-. actually i've to admit. it took me quite some time to understand what was going on cos its still so far to my birthday!!!!!!! but ya. i cried AGAIN. really touched by the gesture. so, thanks pple! very very sweet! hehe. it was even nicer to celebrate my 21st together with my good friend, 2 of us celebrate our 21st tog. haha very nice.

so ya, wonderful ZJ decides to blow my candles ON PURPOSE, TWICE! and smashes cake on my face. but darling elliot helped me to smash chocolate on his face. hahaha so thats good enough for me, considering i have shorter hands than him. (oh for those who dunno who ZJ is, he is the other birthday boy). so, imagine 2 birthday kids squabbling over the candles and smashing cake in each other's faces. yups. fun. hahahahhaa

this year, although it is still some time to my birthday, i have already received so many presents! hahahaha and all really practical. in sequence. a bag, a formal top to use when i lead worship, a cute pencil case (the entire thing is made of one zipper!), and a new phone!!!!!! my parents got me a new phone today. hahahaha so nice!!!!

sorry about the long post, but i still have stuff to say. haha. reaching 21 is really strange. i dun wanna be an adult. i dun feel like one. but i am one. i have to start acting like one. no more privileges, no more whining... hahaha i dun wanna grow up!!!!boohoo.

ok shall end here. hopefully i can survive till end of this sem. one more month to exams!!!!

2007-10-16T23:10:00.000+08:00

you look so repulsive. everytime i look at you, your face changes. but no matter how many times i look at you and no matter how many different ways you look, you still look ugly. all these years you have chosen to hide your face from me. why do you want to reveal yourself to me? is it because you know that i cant shun away from you? is it because you know that i have to accept you no matter what?

i'm tired.. to say the least. woodbridge, here i come.

i'm starting to discover what is slightly below the ice berg. i am afraid of the future. afraid of the uncertainties, and the certainties. afraid of underperforming. i'm trying to get all i want, but i am unable to. i want to do alot, but cant do them.

i need smth to look forward to everyday. i need someone to support me without asking for anything in return. i need him to be there all the time without me having to worry about adding my burdens onto his. i really need you, Lord.

my sincere apologies to all. i will need to totally cut off from the internet. so this includes facebook, messenger, blog etc. have mercy on me and update me when you see me or thru sms ya?

oh and in case you were wondering, the first paragraph refers to our darling REALITY.

2007-10-04T23:36:00.000+08:00

things happen that do not go the way you hope they would. i need the peace to deal with them. thanks Joel C for sending this..

Whatever your cross,
whatever your pain,
there will always be sunshine,
after the rain ....

Perhaps you may stumble,
perhaps even fall,
But God's always ready,
To answer your call ...

He knows every heartache,
sees every tear,
A word from His lips,
can calm every fear ...

Your sorrows may linger,
throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish,
in dawn's early light ...

The Savior is waiting,
somewhere above,
To give you His grace,
and send you His love...

Whatever your cross,
whatever your pain,
"God always sends rainbows ....
after the rain ... "

To get out of difficulty, one must usually go through it!

blur queen stikes again.

2007-09-11T00:37:00.000+08:00

i graduated from ACJC in 2005, after taking my A'levels in 2004. when i went to work in 2005, i did not have to apply for the job so i suppose i must have kept my certificates somewhere in my cupboard. recently, i suddenly needed to know my a level results and i started looking for my cert. and of cos, i did not find it.

while i was trying to recall where i put my a level cert, i realize i dun remember how my cert looks like, the colour, the words and so on. then to make things worse, i don't remember collecting my cert!! so my conclusion was-i did not collect my cert. i cant believe i am so blur la.. after 3 years then i realize i did not collect my very important certificate! i'm so going to get scolded by the admin staff..

sweet ruth went to help me ask the acjc office if they might still have my cert and they said yes. so after school today, i went to acjc to collect my cert. went in, squeezed thru the whole mob of acjc students trying to correct their cca records, then asked if i could collect my cert. they asked me to go in, showed me to a row of boxes and asked what class i was from. i felt so embarassed when i told them i was from a long time ago.. hahaha.. ok so she told me to write down my name, class and year i graduated in. it took me almost 10 minutes to recall which year i graduated in.. imagine that.. then i finally remembered and passed the paper to the administrator. she took another 20 to 25 minutes to try to locate my cert.

after waiting for what seemed like an eternity (it really took very long, i was starting to play with the fishes in the fish tank), she came out looking angry: girl, i think you better go and check carefully before you come and make me waste my time ah. i cant find your cert you know.

-silence- i really did not know how to react.. haha i just stared at her like she had some ugly spot on her face, then started asking a range of strange questions.. haha on my way home, i was praying so hard and asking God where i could have placed my cert. cos if i really lost my cert, i'll be in alot of trouble.

so i came home, feeling rather perplexed. then for some strange reason, opened my glass cupboard. lo and behold, the cert just appeared before my eyes.

go figure the rest of the story

i agree with timo

2007-09-06T21:20:00.000+08:00

my body has started creating pains with no basis whatsoever. i've this throbbing sharp pain at the back of my head that comes every time i bend slightly forward. the pain comes so often that i am starting to get used to it. horrible. if it does not stop by tomorrow, i may really have to see a doctor.

why on earth do we bother to study Karl Marx and Emile Durkheim and Max Weber? i mean, come on. Max Weber died in a mental hosipital. Marx was an idealist whose ideal would never come true. and Durkheim was just some guy who thought the world was conflict-free, something that will never happen. made me remember what i heard from some sermon - if Christ was a lunatic, then we should not even listen to or believe anything that he said. maybe thats why some people can actually believe that Christ is ONE of the gods, even after Christ said "I am THE way, THE truth and THE life. NO ONE can come to the Father EXCEPT through me." hahaha they must think that Christ is the first Weber. some lunatic who says wise words. hahahahahaha what a crazy world.

was reading ezekiel for quiet time. i know none of you will read it, hahaha so i shall summarize. its just about God trying to clarify what He said long ago about the punishment of sin on future generations because of the sins of the ancestors. the Israelites at that time thought that they were suffering becase of their ancestors' sins and so did not need to repent, but God said that this is not the way to act.

when i first read it, i was confused. haha i did not know how i could apply it in my life, so i walked around the house to let myself digest it. then i looked at my own life. it is true that the mistakes of the ancestors can have disastrous problems for the next generation. my grandparents did not choose to accept Christ and because of that, many of my relatives are afraid to accept Christ because they don't want to offend their ancestors. but my parents chose to accept Christ and i am now enjoying the blessings. i have a strong biblical background, as compared to many of my peers. i have strong family support for my service in Church. i don't swear because i never hear my parents swear. i have a good example to watch when it comes to living a life with Christ.

BUT this does not mean that i am guaranteed to go to heaven! just like what ezekiel said. the soul that sins, dies. no matter what choices the parents make, it does not affect the relationship that the children have with God. if the parents are good, it does not mean that the next generation will surely go to heaven also. so i should not take these blessings for granted. i should build on it instead and live a life that pleases God, so that the blessings can be passed on to my children and my children's children.

but to all those out there reading this, it does not mean that if your parents are not Christians, that you are doomed. if you have chosen to accept Christ, you, too, are blessed and you can choose to live a life that pleases God, so that your children will receive the blessings through you. lets end the vicious cycle and continue the blessing cycle!!

2007-08-30T23:23:00.000+08:00

i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy. i am going crazy.

i am crazy.

2007-08-23T21:48:00.000+08:00

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" - Esther 4:14

"Your desire to assume leadership should be rooted in the knowledge that as a leader you will be forced to rely on God alone -- and in the belief that there's no better situation to be in."

thanks SM

2007-08-19T21:47:00.000+08:00

been asking myself alot of questions recently.

i know i am not the best worship leader around. i don't know how to use the microphone properly. i don't know how to choose songs properly. i don't plan my songs (i choose songs based on lyrics, not keys). i have no idea what each instrument is capable of so i can't plan for rehearsal well either. i have poor time control and we often end worship pract late. my singing is bad. my rhythm is bad. i can't seem to communicate my ideas to the team.

neither am i a good small group leader. i find it hard to draw a line between nagging and concern. i don't know how to show concern when someone is depressed. i don't know how to point people to Christ.

oh well, these are just my random thoughts as i lie on my bed at night. sometimes i really feel horrible and useless. i mean, can't i be better? God deserves to use someone better mah. its like, the master artist is at work and i am the pencil. but instead of being a staedtler pencil, i am some unknown brand that is made in China. perhaps after using a while i end up breaking (basically just the useless kind that we get as kids for Children's day).. hahaha

so today, before worship, i prayed and told God: i know i am not the best choice you can have, but i pray that you will use whatever i have and use it for Your glory. and guess what? He did! today timo came up to me and thanked me for leading worship today, because he was encouraged. i seldom get sincere "thank you"s, so i was really encouraged too! and the song that touched him was not the songs i chose, but the song that elder yeoh chose! haha so to cut the main point, God used whatever was prepared and touched His people.

i guess its the useless that God wants to use, although He definitely deserves to use something better. because it is in the weak that His power and glory is revealed.

2007-08-17T00:44:00.000+08:00

the last baby bird has finally flown away. finally my family can relax and stop worrying about the bird. i guess the paper nest really helped. was playing with the baby bird today after i got home. put it in my hands and wanted to take a photo of it. but while i was playing with it, it suddenly flew out of my hand onto the ledge. i was so shocked! it looked to insecure, i really thought it would fall off the ledge to its death. haha but it did not, and it flew off from the ledge and never came back. i actually managed to video the bird making its first flight away from its nest! so cool =)

went to meet up with the 2 jo's from my jc class today at holland v. look at my half eaten xiao long bao.
anyway, after we left that place at around 9pm, we actually ran into maria and navin (another 2 of our classmates)!! such a coincidence you know, especially since navin is flying off next wednesday and joshua is flying off next monday and we all end up eating on the same street at the same time! really glad to meet up with so many old friends actually..

i have something very very grave to say. i am so sorry, joshua and joel, i lost the photos that we took. argh sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry. next time, remind me to charge my camera before leaving the house.. =( for some strange reason, i thought i uploaded it onto my laptop, but i did not!! and now the photos are gone. so sad! i wonder if its a problem with my camera or my memory card. die la..

school is starting to take a toll on me. the non stop action on tue and wed is really tiring me out. i think my body is aging faster than my mothers'. i can actually fall sick from sleeping for 6 hours at night!! what a joke. i think i slept too much during the holidays.. must change back to the school gear. any more of this and the physical fatique can transform into emotional and spiritual fatigue.

2007-08-14T23:27:00.000+08:00

i just lost my free day.. actually, i did not even have it in the first place.. *haha* i just did not check my tutorial slots properly. anyway, above is my timetable (lectures only).. tutorials will add more bulk to it.. so don't envy me too early.. i really dislike the 8am lecture thing..

this semester, im doing most of the lectures that i like.. after today's lecture, im more excited about the semester ahead! haha tamil is going to be so cool; the microbes lecturer is so funny; the social theory lecture is going to be so useful for my major. tmr is my early day. really hope i don't fall sick (like i usually do) for waking up so early. will be kinda lonely this semester. i only have friends for one module only for this semester, but i hope i will learn more this semester. God answered my prayer about exciting me. i just need to keep praying the other prayer items.. haha

sometimes things happen and i ask God why they happen.. i even have the tendency to blame myself for everything bad that happens (as if i have the power to stop it from happen =/).. but this time, although i know im to blame.. im glad it happened. i've changed my perspective after this incident, and im glad with the change.. i guess its never safe to insist on my opinions, especially since now i know that i change my opinions kinda easily..

lets pray that things work out this time round.

2007-08-13T13:56:00.000+08:00

was supposed to have a youth workers' outing yesterday. planned to go to sentosa for picnic and then go cycle. brought all my things: clothes, shoes and so on. but... IT WAS CANCELLED!!! so sad. i think, now that school is starting, we wont have time for any more outings.

but i am also kind of glad we did not go to sentosa. *hahahahaha* because if i did go, i would not have been home so early and i would not get to see the birds outside my house!! woohoo.

for those of you who do not know, there is this family of birds that come to my house twice every year to build a nest in the potted plants outside my house. that is one reason why my mom keeps her potted plants even though they have grown too big. anyway, normally we do not get to see the whole process of how the parent birds force the babies to fly. but this time round, for some strange reason, the baby birds refuse to fly even after the parents destroyed the nest!! the nest was totally torn apart and the baby birds fell to the ground. thank God my brother spotted them or the babies would have been trampled upon by unsuspecting neighbours. so my family build a paper nest for the birds.. temporary, until they decide to fly. the poor parents have to continue to feed the babies i guess.. hahaha

the baby birds are really very cute. so cuddly and so tame. they'll cling on to your fingers and let you pat them. *hehehe* i'll miss them when they fly away. but if they do not fly away, they'll die. oh well. at least the parents are still taking care of them now..

but the way the parents force the kids to fly reminded me of the sermon on sunday, of how parents will not do anything to harm their kids. the parents did not mean to harm the kids when they destroyed the nest, they just wanted to the kids to learn to fly and do what they were created to do (soar in the skies). but the babies would not climb out of their nest to fly, so the parents have to destroy the nest to force them out. even now, when the babies refuse to fly, the parents still continue to care for them. one of them, the father (this black bibbed bird) is in charge of guarding and he is always somewhere near the nest, while the mother (the yellow one, no bib) will go and get food, as shown in the photos above (the one that shows her feeding). its an extra burden on them when the babies do not fly, but they still do it.

even the birds know how to give the best to their kids, what more our wise and almight God?

2007-08-10T14:43:00.000+08:00

things are finally settled. now, i can finally sit down and think what exactly i want to do. at least now i am more or less assured that we wont change again for the next few months. in fact, i already have a rough idea what to do..

thanks gor...

i guess sometimes i really need to let go of my own hurt and move on. remember that it is not man i am serving, but God. just do my part and let God do His magic, just like He has all this while.

school is starting! and thank God, i have mondays off.. the long weekends will do me some good, i hope.

2007-08-06T20:20:00.000+08:00

school is starting next week. not excited about it, but i am still thankful that the holidays are finally over.

i do not like this flavour of icecream. but somehow, i still wanted to hold on to the cone just because i like the feeling of having a cold ice cream cone in between my hands and it makes me look good among my friends too, since most of us have an ice cream cone each. but if i keep holding on to this flavour, i may just miss the next flavour that comes my way, which may be suited to my taste. so, i shall let go of this cone, so that my other friends can try it and see if they like it, while i continue to wait for my cone.

God can use anyone. this statement may be an encouragement to me sometimes, but right now, this sounds sad. somehow i feel so useless. since God can use anyone, why would he use me? why continue to stay on in this ministry when there are people out there who are more likely to be used by God?

recently, i am not sure if am hearing God correctly. what i thought was God's voice turned out to be my own. i guess i was right to always shut that voice in me up. never listen to that voice. or should i? hui zhi said something to me on sunday: you know ah, grace. when your bosses keep changing and revising their policies, it is very demoralizing for those who follow you know. once you get the hang of something, they change it. i finally understand how she feels. for a moment i thought something will stay unchanged, just for a moment... within 1 hour, it changes so drastically, i have no idea how to respond. one thing i am sure of: God is training my patience and teaching me to be slow in reacting. never jump up, always take a moment to breathe and calm down before reacting.

God is always working in our lives. it is just up to us whether we want to see it or not. in everything, good or bad, there is always something to learn and something to thank God for. to all you out there: no matter how tired you may be, or how disappointed you may feel, take a step back and see things from God's perspective. perhaps you may see God's love and promise in the process of being fulfilled. this is something i learnt from jeremiah.

if you read lamentations, you see that jeremiah was extremely sad. God had abandoned Israel and thrown Israel to her enemies. even when jeremiah cried out to the Lord, God did not want to hear him. but he said something that really made me cry and ask God for forgiveness. amidst all his sufferings, jeremiah (in chapter 3) still praised the Lord and proclaimed that the Lord's love is steadfast and the Lord is faithful.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

will i be able to do this? will i still praise the Lord when i am tired and disappointed? will i still thank God when i am sick and dying? will i remember God and thank Him when i am successful and prosperous?

2007-07-27T14:42:00.000+08:00

went to the zoo with 3 classes of nursery kids on wednesday. i was initially quite afraid, since i am not exactly very good with kids. but my mom kept asking me to go down and help out.. so i went.

did not expect so many helpers and so many kids actually. but it was really nice to see the kids enjoy themselves and after awhile, when they kids warmed up to me, it was really fun. they'll come up and insist on holding your hands. i love the innocence that they have. i guess we are always attracted to what we have lost. these kids just believe everything they are told.. like how we bluff them that the horrible smell they are smelling was actually animal perfume.. hahaha so funny..

just a few photos to share..
the cutest girl in my class who kept sticking to me throughout the trip =) she isnt very photogenic though.

all the kids waiting for the bus to come

a boy with a cap too small for his head.. reminds me of joel actually.. hahaha

the cutest boy on the bus! and he is extremely talkative. he'll be sooo handsome when he grows up

teachers helping the kids up the bus

this indian boy was so funny. kept banging into things cos he was so mesmorized by his surroundings.

thats about all.. no photos of animals if you realize.. hahaha cos i did not have time to look at the animals.. keep my eyes off the kids and the next thing you know, they're either missing, or on the ground crying. haha

2007-07-23T16:49:00.000+08:00

school is starting, and i am really not looking forward to CORS.

called up the school administrator a few weeks ago and i got scolded for being stupid. for those of you who still do not know, i made a mistake and chose 3 modules wrongly over the course of my first two years in university and i only realized my mistake in the middle of my 4th semester. so, after calling the administrator, i only have one way out: that is to do 6 modules for the next 3 semesters, and kill myself. cant believe i was so dumb.

this sem, CORS is going to drain me and suck me dry. i doubt i'll have any points to go into the next semester.

sometimes, things happen that are unexpected and i go all crazy and lose my bearings. this is really going to take time.

hello my dear, welcome back. we missed you.

2007-07-18T18:51:00.000+08:00

i need a new pair of sports shoes.
i need goggles.
i need a new handphone.

i want sunglasses.
i want contact lenses.
i want to get an mp3 player for my mother.

i look at the 35% of my salary left and wonder which i should start saving up for first. haha

my life is in a mess again. it goes into a mess everytime i have a long and boring holiday. time to shake it up again.

i love daniel. yups you heard me. his is a life of perfection (or at least the bible did not mention any mistakes he made), but a life of persecution. he was surrounded by dumb leaders and dumb Jews (except for his three true friends). how i wish i can be like him. he does not have problems making decisions because his decisions are always clear cut: just do what God wants. and he has wonderful friends who have great faith like he does. they did not care about whether or not God saves them from the furnace; they just refused to bow down. but when i think again, i realize that my wish is dangerous. wanting to be like daniel would mean i have alot to give up.

i want Christ to come clean up my room, but i have things that i still do not want to throw away.

2007-07-02T18:37:00.000+08:00

i know this post is pretty late, but hey.. lets just say i have been successfully avoiding the computer.

went out with annalisa and li fang last week. got reminded of how wonderful it is to have friends who last for a long time. strangely she was one of the rare few who noticed that i cut my hair (that is, before i cut it again).. haha and somehow, i did not feel weird when the two doctors-to-be talked in their medical language.. li fang and i managed to surprise annalisa for her birthday. i mean, come on.. she actually believed that i have forgotten about her birthday.. haha.. so ya, we surprised her with cakes at li fang's mom's cafe. haha. nice.

anna, you are so coming to my birthday party, if i have one. ;)

was very bored at home and tried looking for people to go out with, but no one i asked was free. and lo and behold, angela sms's me and asks if i wanna go out. haha talk about coincidence. so we went out and i managed to buy the skirt i wanted to buy. woohoo!

but the most interesting thing was this. angela was JUST talking about cutting her hair short, when this well dressed cute guy comes up to us. if it were up to me, i would have brushed the guy off without listening. but his company name caught angela's ear. Toni and Guy's. so ya they were offering free haircut, but that was all i could gather, since i could hardly understand his accent. haha so ya, we walked over and to my horror, the place was swarming with grown indian men. i am NOT racist actually, but it was really scary to see so many of them, especially when they come and stand behind you after you have taken your seat in front of the mirror. haha. yups. these men from India have just finished a course by Toni and Guy's so they needed "models" (more like dummies) to try their newly learnt skill. and angela and i signed up for this. oh well. the comforting thing was that the stylist was a professional. only the person cutting is a newbie. to be honest, i am ok with my new hairstyle, though i did not plan on cutting my hair again. third time this year, as compared to my normal frequency of three years once. haha now angela and i look like twins. wonderful.

anyhow, there are things waiting for me to deal with and the last thing i need now is to be childish and emotional. must put on humility and wisdom to fight this battle.

2007-06-27T12:51:00.000+08:00

i just realized that i have not posted anything for the month of june. haha that is how boring my life has been, since exams ended.

refresh was good. got to know many people better, mainly the younger ones, and got to talk to a few of my friends heart to heart. but the best thing i got out of camp is this: during and after camp, i have been able to sleep very well. before camp, i always wake up in the middle of my sleep. during and after camp, i dont wake up as often and i just sleep through the night. so happy. haha

sometimes, i look back in my life and i am amazed at how much i've changed. we often say that we have no choice in certain things, like how we have no control over our emotions and our thoughts, since they are part of our personality. but when i look back, i can safely say that there is always a choice. why choose to be sad and think about things that we have no control over, when we can just learn to give thanks and not worry about things beyond our control?

don't be sad. don't be depressed. be happy. think less. care more.

2007-05-31T21:25:00.000+08:00

i've been to see 3 different doctors in 1 month. the first was about my eyes, then about this wound that will not stop bleeding because of the infection, then today, for flu. my dad must be so broke now, spent so much money to see the doctor.

strangely, i did not fall sick during school time. only now that im more relaxed that all the illnesses surface.

2007-05-26T21:24:00.000+08:00

dint do well again 2nd sem in a row. really doubt if i can do honours. uni is so tough. but uni is precious, because this is where i spend the last few years of my education career. this is so scary, to think that i'll be working this time of next year, if i do not manage to do honours. i still do not know what i can do when i graduate!

its been a long time since i last felt depressed. strangely, now that i have nothing to do, i am depressed. things can get to me so easily. i am so depressed over my future now, suddenly do not want to do anything, not even full time. scared of everything. sometimes i just have the urge to call my mom and tell her i miss her and tell her to come home now. do not know what is wrong with me. perhaps not being able to buy things is bad for my emotional health. hahahaha

i have decided. i give up. i do not know what is going on. perhaps you're running from me. perhaps i did something to piss you off. but i am tired of having to guess and its time i let go.

goodbye my friend.

2007-05-17T15:27:00.000+08:00

serving in church has made me more sensitive to God's emotions. everytime i get hurt loving others, i remember how God went through pain to love me as well. despite all the times i leave Him and do things to hurt Him, He still wants me to come home. He never stops calling me home.

She has not acknowledged that I was the one
who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
which they used for Baal.

I feel His pain, the pain that God feels everytime we use a talent that He gave to gain praise for ourselves, everytime we use the money that God gave to enjoy life instead of using it for His people, everytime we enjoy all that He has given and worship life. I cried when i read that passage, because that is who i am - a prostitute. loving all that my husband has given and lavishing it on my lover.

"In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master."

how i look forward to that day when my relationship with God goes beyond duty (my master), to that of love and passion (my husband).

the joy of the Lord is my strength.

2007-05-09T21:13:00.000+08:00

i am cursed!!!! oh no!!!

went to tuition kid's house today for tuition. sat down with her at 5.03pm. but she forgot to bring in my drink, so i let her go out to get it. she closes the door. then her horrible kid brother came over to attempt to open the door (he always does this to disturb his sister). but he could not open the door! his sister tries and i try. but it still could not open!!! the horror! tuition has not even started and im stuck in the room without the tuition kid!!

this is the second time already. the last time, i was stuck in the toilet! haha and my parents were in Malaysia, so we had to call my uncle down and i had to study for exams inside the toilet. this time, i am stuck in my uncle's house in his daughter's room! twice in 2 years! and with me alone in both times!! so i was stuck in there for 45 minutes, during which i had to try desperately to pry open the door, while my uncle scolded and shouted and hammered at the door. so scary. was so scared that he will get angry with me, since its his 2nd time having to get me out of a room.

what is wrong with me?? now im so scared of locking doors already. sigh

2007-05-07T21:45:00.000+08:00

i realize that i have changed alot over the years. used to be afraid of changes, now, i welcome challenges. God has really used people around me to change me.

some people arent too happy about a young person like me leading worship. some may just be worried for me, some may be uncomfortable with seeing someone so young leading a big event. but either way, i'd say: God has His hand in this. sometimes he uses the extremely old, to show the young real strength. sometimes He uses the young to show the old what innocent faith is.

anyway, something amazing happened on sunday during the worship. there was this song "when i survey the wondrous cross" that i chose to be sung during holy communion. its a song that i use everytime i lead combined worship, so i did not bother to practice it during worship. however, immediately after the offering song, when the pastors came up to do the holy communion, i looked at the lyrics of the song and realized that i totally could not remember how the song sounds like!!! i just freaked out!

i remembered the last time my mind went blank during worship for a song and at that time, i really did not sing the song even when the music started. thank God i had backup singers who sang the first few words in my place. but this time round, i was alone on stage. no one around me, so i could not ask anyone to sing. you know how scary that is>
so the scripture ended. the session took the cups and left the stage. the piano started playing. and guess what, i still could not remember how to sing!!!!!!!!! time for the first word. still no music came forth. then at the second word, the tune suddenly came to me and i started singing. as if this was not amazing enough, the microphone was screwed up, so it was not on for the first verse! so no one noticed that i did not sing the first word! they just heard this wonderful solo without the microphone! hahah instead of embarrassing myself, i amazed them! i cant tell you how grateful i am to God. He is amazing. and He really answers prayers at his own timing. hahaha

something else happened before that during practice. for those who were there, lets just say, i was extremely upset. its one of those times when i had to desperately fight back tears. at that time, i really wanted to run out and hide somewhere to cry. when kelvin asked me to leave the stage, the temptation was too great. but i chose to stay on stage and start the rehearsal. i didnt know why i did that, but now i know why. God wanted to teach me to depend on him. crying doesnt solve anything. depending on God is the best solution. so anyway, i am really glad she did what she did, because without her, i would not have learnt true patience and love. learning to say thank you to God in a time like that used to be tough, but it came naturally on friday, because i know that God never stopped training me and moulding me. serving has really helped to shape me.

i don't know what my final destination is. perhaps i may not be leading worship a few years down the road. maybe i'll be leaving youth ministry in a year. but whatever the long term plan that God has in mind, i will serve faithfully. not just because of what God has promised ahead of me, but also because of what He has already done. He is worth more than i can give.

2007-05-03T23:39:00.000+08:00

Shu Mei, Sheng'en, Emily and Grace are young suburbanite buddies stuck in a rut. Bee, a hardworking bank operations associate, yearns to be free from her everyday bothers at work and everyone else in his life (or at least just the office). Sheng'en is an aspiring accountant, desperate to free herself from the bondages of mugging. Emily is determined to enjoy herself (despite staying up for 12 hours) before she gets sucked back into the mad rush in the hospitals. And Grace, who obviously does not have it all, is just not satisfied with sleeping at home. Each weekend, the foursome, known as the "Newtonites", meets at a Church along Newton Road in their Sunday Best. with her holidays boring her to death, Grace hits on the idea: a "Newtonites" foursome road trip to the end of the island (east coast), in a 4 wheel blue kia picanto. Soon, the four are embarking on the adventure of their lives. But when they stumble upon a heavy storm along the highway, accompanied by water-spraying cars (just cars that speed into the huge puddles, sending frightening jets of water into our windscreen and blinding us). the "Newtonites" discover that they are in for a greater adventure than they expected, including a showdown in the sleepy town of Marina Square.

i guess that about summarizes our day huh =p haha for visual updates, kindly refer to Bee.

every experience is a chance to learn. there is a lesson (or maybe even more than one), in every thing that you go through. for one, i learnt today that it is important not to speed when encountering large puddles on the road for the sake of those around you. and i also learnt that girls can never give up shopping, no matter how much they say they cannot. yes.

2007-04-28T10:23:00.000+08:00

2nd post of the day! before i adjourn for lunch -grins-

was reading through my old post and i came across this:

it is so easy to feel disappointed. to look at someone and wonder how long it would take for me to give up. so often i have told myself to just give up and let things go as they are. but in the end i still am unable to let go of the friendship. then i do the ultimate silly thing and try to talk to you. and i get hurt yet again. for how long do you think this friendship will last? do you even treasure it the way that i do?

i am starting to have doubts on how far i can go and how long i can last.

i am still feeling this after so long. and yes, i have lasted this long. now that exams are over, perhaps it is time to do something about this, like change my perspective.

i know you do not want to talk, but when you do, i want you to know i will always be here to listen. if you still do not want to talk, i will still support you in anyway i can. all i ask is that you work things through with God. He will definitely comfort you.

in case you were wondering, these words refer to more than one person ;)

2007-04-28T10:00:00.000+08:00

its finally over! my body can finally release all the tension and rest peacefully. but like i was telling joel, i see miracles everyday throughout this exam period... shall share a few here.

as i found out this semester, i am naturally hyperactive. haha used to think i just procrastinate. but this time round, no matter how hard i try to force myself to sit there and study, i just cannot. i cant help but move around and if i sit for too long, my eyes will hurt and my brain will stop picking up information. so irritating. so this semester i wont be surprised if i do badly.

anyway, so i did not study early, and i could not mug nearer to the exam dates, so this means: i was very ill prepared for this exam. so as usual, being the lazy and last minute arts student, i just picked some topics to study for and guess what? out of the 4 subjects, what i chose to study for came out!!! yups must really thank God. cos not only did the questions come out, but the questions were pretty easy to understand. so yups! thats great. plus, normally i'll get nightmares before the exams and i'll get cold fingers that cramp up during exams. but this time round, although my fingers were cold, they did not cramp up and i wrote the longest essays in all my entire life. hahaha 4 to 5 pages in an hour is amazing i tell u. my longest record was 2.5 pages. hahaha

and for my "family" paper, i woke up early to study in the morning (usual), but i got so tired so i fell asleep while waiting for my father to come fetch me. ended up, my dad got so caught up in his visitation that he came home late and i was asleep so i did not call to rush him!!! so we only had 15 minutes to travel to school, a trip that normally takes 20 minutes! so guess what, i was late for the paper. never in my entire life have i been late, or even on time for my exams. so ya, on the way to school, i was trying not to flare up or start panicking. kept telling myself to calm down. then i looked out of the van and saw the trees and i told God: Father you can make the trees grow and make the sun rise, i am sure You can stop time for me and let me get there in time.

weird prayer, i know =) but God did say yes to that prayer! in a different way though. he did not make time stop, but he made my lecturer stop ;) when i reached there, my lecturer was making the entire hall wait for me and she was desperately trying to get my contact number! hahaha amazing la! so i was not penalized by having less time to do my paper, although i was unable to calm down after i sat down, because i ran and i was panicking. haha so i kinda screwed up my first question by writing too much without any plan (never do that). yups but God did make something stop!

lessons learnt:
(1) never do last minute work, 1 month before is not enough either.
(2) don't be afraid to pray for outrageous prayers, as long as they are not for your own selfish gains but for God's glory (thats why i am writing this here, to give Him the glory)

2007-04-08T19:53:00.000+08:00

just some random thoughts i had before i fell asleep on my bed for a nap:

you know how all these talk has been about there being no God and that we came from monkeys (or apes). somehow something did not seem right to me. something about the argument is flawed. so i gave it some thought and tried to think from a atheist point of view (something i have learned to do from sociology, sadly).

ok if i were a monkey and i knew that somehow, the fittest would survive, but i want to survive... what would i do? first on my list, murder. i would murder anyone who seems to be fitter than me. next, i would cheat. i would cheat everyone else into believing im the best so i deserve more food and resources. of course, cheating comes with lying. so that's 2 things i'll do. then, i'll steal or rob when the other monkey does not give me what i want. afterall, the fittest will survive! so i must get all the food i need and the most well protected spot for resting.

well, you get the idea. then something else struck me, after reading what joel posted about the atheist thing. would love actually exist in such an environment whereby only the fittest will survive? NAH. hahaha what a stupid thing to propose! if i were to be altruistic and love the other monkeys, where would i be now?????? DEAD, along with other monkeys that did not evolve. hahaha. so, NO! i'll never love. only dumb monkeys will love and help and share and care. the fittest survives. and i want to be that fittest one.

so where did love come from? if there is no God, and we all came from monkeys, then we'd live in trying to outdo the next person. this innate love we have must have come from some wise being up there, who sees what is going on now and what will happen if we continue to live selfishly.

something i learnt in social psychology is that when faced with self interest and group interest, we'd choose self interest. but in fact, group interest will protect everyone and ensure that everyone survives in the long run, while self interest, although it benefits the individual in the short run, will eventually kill off everyone else in the group. so on our own, we'd have no love, and tried to grab as much benefits for ourselves. but because someone looked into the future and said: oh no, i better tell this bunch of losers that they'll go extinct if they keep on being selfish. i think i need to teach them what is love, so that they can help each other and be united and ensure the survival of everyone. to me, this explains why we have the law that moses got in the old testament.

then after this wise being gave this bunch of losers a set of what-to-do's, this bunch of losers, because they are losers, decided that they knew better and hence, did not want to follow the instructions and went back to their old ways. then the wise being had no choice but to teach individuals in the group what to do, so they can teach the rest. but that did not work out either. so, what to do? this wise being, being wise, decided, what to do? just go show them what love actually means loh, and at the same time, make it easier for the bunch of losers to love. thats why we celebrate christmas, good friday and easter.

if you have come thus far, congratulations. dont ask why i can think so much while trying to go to sleep. hahaha.

2007-04-02T21:00:00.000+08:00

thanks guys, for being there for me, when i was really going down. i know yall did not volunteer to be there but im still glad that yall were around.

amazing how God can turn my perspective in half an hour. from being on the verge of tears of stress and misery, to tears of joy. it is priceless to have God.

it is so easy to feel disappointed. to look at someone and wonder how long it would take for me to give up. so often i have told myself to just give up and let things go as they are. but in the end i still am unable to let go of the friendship. then i do the ultimate silly thing and try to talk to you. and i get hurt yet again. for how long do you think this friendship will last? do you even treasure it the way that i do?

i am starting to have doubts on how far i can go and how long i can last.

2007-03-28T21:16:00.000+08:00

Interesting News from the Phillipines: A teacher at a local school held his students hostage. He is suspected to hold large amounts of explosives.

His demand: free education for the poor children who are unable to get education.

My opinion: are you sure this guy is really a teacher? I suspect that there is something wrong with his brain.

the double decker bus starts to vibrate violently and swerves into the next lane, threatening to go over the curb. some woman in the upper deck screams. people start grabbing onto the railing in front of them. she pulls out her earphones and tries to find out what is going on. go any further and the bus would have gone over the curb and overturned, throwing everyone out of the upper deck in the process.

the bus stops. then it turns slowly back to it original lane. people start to stand up. no one knows what is going on. the bus driver gets out of the bus, but leaves all the doors closed. he comes back. silence. doors remain closed. someone presses the bell and demands to be let out. voices in the lower deck. bodies shuffle towards the steps and attempt to leave.

you had a bad day, you had a bad day.

try waking up in the morning hoping today will not be a bad day. and then later in the day, you experience a near death situation.

"yes! I did not die! today is going to be a wonderful day!"

2007-03-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

this is my third post for the day! surprise surprise! but i decided (thanks to sheng'en's reminder) that i must post this, to remind myself of what God has done and to encourage all you people out there who are still struggling.

quiet time has been talking about trust for the past, i dont know how long. never really got forced to apply it in my life. until today.

i have a level 3000 project due tomorrow. my first time doing a level 3000 paper and so i was totally lost and confused about what i am supposed to write. since it is due tomorrow, i decided to change tuition date. and my tuition kid's mom agreed so easily! wow. and ya the more surprising thing is coming.

for those who know me, i tend to worry very easily. but today i kept forcing myself to stop worrying and just let God take over. so i told God: you let me do sociology so please, take me through this paper. help me to finish this paper before dinner (although i was prepared to sleep late to finish this dumb paper). guess what. as i continued to write the paper, i got clearer and clearer about what i am writing and theories just kept surfacing. and i really finished the paper before dinner!!! wow. i never thought God will really answer my demanding prayer. but he did. he really understands that i have to finish the paper early so i can start on my next paper.

so here i am, giving him the glory due to him. lesson learnt: trust even when situations seem impossible.

2007-03-26T19:23:00.000+08:00

You Are An ESFP

The Performer

You are a natural performer and happiest when you're entertaining others.
A great friend, you are generous, fun-loving and optimistic.
You love to laugh - and you like almost all people equally.
You accept life as it is, and you do your best to make each day fantastic.

You would make a good actor, designer, or counselor.

What's Your Personality Type?

honestly, i kinda disagree with this. hahahaha

2007-03-26T17:09:00.001+08:00

funny how God can turn anything bad into something good. experienced it today. from all these stresses, i am going to be more patient and understanding.

sometimes, these troubles do not simply help me. in this case, helped vincent as well. hey vinz, what nice timing huh? =)

i am suddenly kinda excited. last two projects! and im excited to have so many thing in store for me. suddenly all these things that i have to do seem fun. gives me a chance to exercise faith. haha not sadistic la.. but it really is going to be exciting to see how things turn out in the end. oh well.

2007-03-22T22:19:00.000+08:00

first comes the pimple outbreak. then comes the mood swings. then i start getting blur. now, im losing my appetite.

nope this is not the time of the month. its the time of the sem. really looking forward to when this is over.

losing my appetite this drastically is bad actually. hardly ate anything proper for any of my meals. feel like puking during each meal. only good thing i can think of is that after this im going to lose weight.

help. i am drowning. drowning in my workload. this is a good time to pray that i have the ability to split up into different bodies, like how sun wukong plucks out his hair and poof! so many of him comes out. then i can make one of me go do worship prep, one of me to do deviance proj, one of me to do race proj, one of me to do social psych proj, one of me to deal with small group, one of me to do housework, one of me to be my dad's assistant. and of cos, last two but the most important, one of me to sleep 24 hours a day, and the last of me to do quiet time and pray for the rest of us. yay! what a wonderful plan

personality tests say i am a dreamer. i agree with that. a dumb dreamer too.

2007-03-20T00:11:00.000+08:00

it feels good to have so much to do actually. to be constantly having something to do. like some kind of drug that keeps your mind off things.. only thing is that i am not taking this drug on my own free will. but i guess having so much to do and so many errands to run helps me to feel healthy =) walking around and sweating. hahaha. at least, i know that after all these i am really going to be so used to stress and expectations. its not going to be easy to be an adult.

but still, its tough trying to shake that feeling of tiredness, like how my mind can suddenly blank out and i fail to see that the car is swerving into the curb until my instructor grabs the steering wheel and shouts at me that i can fail for doing something like that. wonderful huh. i guess no one will dare to sit in my car even after i pass, especially when i am tired. hahahaha.

right now, grace is zombiefied. mind is blank. eyes staring straight at the screen and wondering how her fingers know what keys to press. her body tells her it it time to go to bed, but her mind (or at least the part that is semi awake) is telling her to finish the proj or she will fail terribly. oh well. this can be one of the decisions in life that vincent can talk about for refresh camp 07. to sleep or not to sleep. that is the question.

what is in a name, that a rose by any other name will smell as sweet.

i will admit that i am biased. as long as you catch my attention and tug at my heartstrings, you are my friend and i will protect you no matter what you do. if you don't, then i hardly notice your existence. is it just me? or does everyone else face this problem?

2007-03-18T21:54:00.000+08:00

when things do not turn out the way you imagined it to be, but the way you prayed for it to be, it may not be a good thing. perhaps i prayed for the wrong thing. maybe i did. i am not sure.

when will this feeling leave me? when will i feel peace again? when will i feel rested?

too many things to do, 12 more days to april. congratulate me on being so behind for my work.

2007-03-04T23:12:00.000+08:00

been so busy recently that i have not been sleeping well.. but i shall post one happy post (and everyone goes... "finally")

yups went out with Shumei, Emily and Shengen last sunday.. was so super fun!! its been a long time since we had a girls night (or day) out. almost thought that we wont be able to go out after all, but we made it! yups and i still can't believe we spent 9 hours shopping. from getting into Shumei's car and having emily as our personal dj, to experiencing SHumei's improved driving skills, to making ourselves comfortable at the back with shengen, to eating and watching each other try out clothes. wow. fun. havent laughed so much for so long. sigh must do this more often!

made me think how important friends are. yups. thanks gals. for not just the fun we had, but also the support we show each other along the way. and of cos, the internal jokes we shared on that day..

this sem has alot in store for me, 5 heavy modules, driving, tuition, new small group dynamics and so on. but im sure God will bring me through. this is going to be another fruitful sem!

hey people. anyone wants to go out? lets go! but no shopping.. haha must stop me!!

2007-02-11T23:51:00.000+08:00

funny how you never really know the value of something until you lose it...

i deserve more than this. i do not deserved to be hurt 90% of the time. let us just not come into any contact.

2007-01-30T15:21:00.000+08:00

just some thoughts after an intense tutorial on family

sure. we all have our ideals, but we never put them as priority. why? because marriage is glorified. and singlehood is condemned. we all think marriage is the main purpose of our lives on earth. so in the end, it does not matter who our spouse is, as long as he/ she has some basic good points.

when christ came to earth, he was not married. if being human = marry and have kids, then christ was not fully human. neither is paul, neither is peter, who kind of left his wife alone and did not have kids (if i am not wrong). christ has proven that the main purpose of our lives on earth, and the main source of fulfilment is in serving God and pleasing Him. so why do we not seek this? the devil is sooo smart. he distracts us by placing other goals in our lives. good grades, good degree, social acceptance, perfect mate, perfect marriage, intelligence, perfect looks, man's praises etc. and we have all fallen head over heels into this trap (the weirdness in this statement is intended by the way).

the devil must be laughing his head off right now as he looks at us humans getting distracted from the ultimate goal that we were created for. that #$%^&*!@. do we have a choice? yes we do. so what is our decision?

2007-01-18T23:13:00.000+08:00

i have a feeling this is going to be a long post. longer than usual at least.

what do you do when you think God made the wrong choice for you. on one hand you know God will never make mistakes. on the other, you just have this stinking feeling something is wrong. i just hope this turns out well.

funny how your relationship with God can affect every other areas in your life. i had this barrier obstructing me from coming to God. suddenly i started to hate everyone around me. full of bitterness. full of hate. could do nothing right. everything just seemed to overwhelm me. the future was hopeless and bleak.

i can see clearly now, the rain is gone. the rainbow, the sun. the smell of the flowers and the soil. breathe in deep cos you will need the oxygen to run the marathon now. hope is so so precious.

the joy of the Lord is my strength.

i hate long nails. dont know how some girls do it. the mini skirts, low cut tops, hip hugging bottoms, long nails, long hair that tickles the face etc. the things we girls do to look good. all that suffering. tsk tsk. do guys do the same? the time spent in front of the mirror fixing that short hair, the headache that comes when choosing clothes from that forever limited collection etc.

i've been spending alot of money recently. just cant get over the joy of getting something new with the money i worked so hard to earn. not that tuition is THAT hard, but its still nice. i need to stop!!! especially since its one of my new year resolution.

i need something. something intangible. something that is not limited by time and space. something that can lift my spirits.

this is a special year for me. i am finally living the transition period for myself. i am neither a teenager, nor an adult. so what am i? i am a 20 year old kid-teenager-youth-young adult. i really DO NOT feel like 20. i see people who dress and act 20 and i feel like a kid in their presence. i met this girl in a shop. i acted like this 12 year old kid in her presence cos my impression of her is that she's 20+. end up, she's under 20. i am older than her!!! and i thought i was younger!! oh my goodness. i guess i really am i kid. what am i going to do? i need to grow up! can you imagine this 21 year old girl who talks and acts and dress underage? sigh

love: tangible or intangible. never really thought of it until fiona and i talked about it. what do you think? always thought love was intangible. but if it really was, how do we know what love is until someone expresses it? that expression is tangible. hmm.

2007-01-16T15:28:00.000+08:00

what exactly is driving me? one day i really need to sit down with God and ask Him to sound me out. what i think is true may not be true after all, since i hardly know myself with my ego blinding my vision.

when i read about people who give up their lives for the Lord and about people who go thru all kinds of suffering and pain just to get to Christ, i cant help but ask myself will i be willing to do the same? why is Christ so unimportant to me? it is so easy to lie to myself that Christ matters. maybe He does, but the fact is that there are still things that matter more than Him, and He takes His time to reveal that to me.

How much more do i need to give up for You? EVERYTHING

2007-01-11T11:04:00.000+08:00

something is really wrong with me.

on monday (8/1) i thought it was 10 Jan, and i did the quiet time for 10 Jan. on tuesday, i somehow read my calender wrongly again and i scolded myself for reading one day in advance, because i thought it was 10 Jan again. so i read my 9 Jan quiet time. yesterday, i read the calender correctly! (finally) and realized it was finally 10 Jan. how can i think it is 10 Jan 3 days in a row????? what is wrong with me?!?!?

another thing. i've been having weird nightmares EVERY NIGHT. dreams to do with death, the underworld, sin and hell. wonderful huh. every morning i wake up feeling like i have not slept a wink. what is happening??

2007-01-03T13:14:00.000+08:00

i've lost myself along the way last year. took a conversation with my sisters to realize that. time out is such a tempting word. so many mistakes, so many flaws, so many distractions and fears. its time to ask myself what is most important.

im coming back to the heart of worship.

i'll be alright.

i miss you. i hope you missed me too. this gap is too far for us to bear. perhaps we need to spend more quality time together.

2006-12-31T00:34:00.000+08:00

ok so the year is almost over. let me see... how did it pass?

did so many things, i almost lost count. ended this year physically tired. so tired that i fell sick again. but its been a great year. im spiritually refreshed because of God's grace. hey siming, joel and vincent, thanks for the talks at the retreat. i truly am refreshed. but most importantly, its been great watching the master at work. the hands of the master never stopped molding the lives of those He loves.

and so we move into the new year. really hope i finally get down to learning the guitar and stop waiting.. haha and i hope i do well this sem. both in school and in my heavenly report card.

2006-12-17T00:18:00.000+08:00

exams are over. mission trip is over. christmas is coming. retreat is coming.

mission trip was good, in case you were wondering. learnt alot about myself and about how God works in miraculous ways. right now, i am just tired. my voice is dying. been shouting alot at north thailand because the kids there only listen to you when you are loud enough to grab their attention. learnt alot about the adults too, got to know them better. got to see how full time workers suffer for God and His people. very touched. made me more motivated to know God better so that i will be able to serve with no regrets. the kids there are simple and easily satisfied. give them a hug and they will love you. they play with everything.

but what is etched most deeply in my mind is not the people there, but the level of their faith. they do not seem to know who God is and who it is exactly that they believe in. no matter how much love we show them, we are limited in giving the people there what they need most. they need to know God. but we only have 9 days with them. 3 days to warm up, 5 days to teach, and 1 day to pack up. we can play with them, we can give them things, we can share the gospel with them. but only the full time ministers there can help them get what they need most. i am just glad i could be there to see God work, and to be an encouragement to the people there.

the few days there made me think alot about myself. i have many faults and i often blame myself for being imperfect. wondered how God will ever use me. but the weaker i am, the more likely for God to use me. that is a motivation. i must read more of God's word now, to know Him better. to spend more time building my relationship with God.

one other thing i got to think about is what kind of girl i want to be. many people i know expect girls to be pampered, to be whiney, to be weak and its ok for a girl to be dependent on others. such girls dont need to do anything because everyone else will do for them. they are also very loved by everyone. but i am not like that. made me sad because i want to be loved to. but after thinking through i still want to be a nu qiang ren. i want to depend only on God. but this means i have to forgo alot of the pleasure of being pampered and i have to do things i may not like to do =) oh well. it will be worth it.

i am sad. i have been disappointed. if you want to know, come ask me, but be prepared to lend me your shoulder and some time.

2006-12-04T22:33:00.000+08:00

its finally over! the stress. the burden. all gone. now i just need to rest enough to make up for loss in sleep over the exam period. yay!

feeling scared about the mission trip. am i in the right mode yet? what is my attitude? please tell me, Lord.

2006-11-27T23:03:00.000+08:00

why does everything have to get so complicated. lets just make it simple. when we first started, we were happy. after time passes, things changed and we're so uncomfortable around each other now. why not just go back to what it was before?

i want the gift of being devoid of emotions. although i would like to keep the happiness part of it.

how do you love those who have hurt you? especially when they do not even know they have hurt you? i would rather shrink into my shell and avoid the person. avoid getting hurt again. do i really have to come out and stick my hand in the heat again?

how can anyone be so selfish? how can anyone be so inconsiderate? how can anyone hurt others again and again, while asking whether it has hurt anyone? how can you expect others to understand you when you do not bother to understand anyone? it is not fair. not right.

do you love me? if you do, do something for me. love yourself.

2006-11-19T23:50:00.000+08:00

really tired. lonely. scared.

exams are coming and i do not know what to expect anymore. i have a very bad feeling about this. somehow, after improving by 0.1 last sem, my expectations have gone higher. but i have not studied enough for it. which just makes things worse. i need to pick topics but i do not know how to. trust is very very scary.

somehow, bad things always come at the same time. and when you are asked to choose one to solve, you do not know if you can trust anyone else to solve the rest. so yes, i took the leap of faith, and no one else solved the rest. what does this teach me? get enough rest the day before.

we can all hold only one 2 hand item at one time. 2 hands, 2 feet, 1 heart to pump blood to all of them. 1 brain. how to multitask? not too sure about that. i guess thats what makes us human. limited creatures we all. unable to be at a few places at the same time.

relationships are strange things. you need them. but at the same time, they drain alot of energy from you. all relationships require investment. but how much do you have to invest? we are, after all, limited beings.

i need God. i need Him to solve my problems. i need Him to comfort me and tell me everything will turn out fine.

wait. He has already done that. its just that i have not given him my problems yet. argh.

2006-11-14T17:58:00.000+08:00

10 more days.

being 20 does not mean i have to feel like i am 20 rite? actually, what does being 20 feel like? somehow birthdays do not feel so happy afterall. especially when it means that exams are 11 days later.

i am not a thinker, at least i do not think i am one. i love simplicity. but i am not allowed to be simple. why not?? i miss being a kid and thinking that the world is very simple. black and white. right and wrong. but that is far from the truth. or maybe the haze has blurred our vision to the truth as well. can we ever stop thinking?

2006-11-09T22:20:00.000+08:00

heard something... really... out of this world.. during lecture today. my lecturer never fails to have... interesting... stories to tell us. but i am so glad i did not get to blog about this immediately after i heard it, or i would have exploded and ranted online.

"oh hi! long time no see! so how've you been? you were engaged during your school days to this girl right? are you guys married now?"
"oh we broke up..."
-pause-
"so.. what happened?"
"we had sex before marriage. she is not a virgin anymore. so i cant marry her"
-shock-
"but... she had sex with you!!!!!"
-pause- "but the point is that she is NOT a virgin anymore!"

if you are at this sentence already, i hope you are in as much shock as i am. there is nothing much i can say anymore. he deserves to go to hell. but then again, i am not God. darn. she is just totally dumb. really really really dumb.

if virginity is so important to you, then why did you take it away from her!!! and why did you not give her your own virginity?!?!?!?! is virginity a commodity now? something we use to exchange for marriage??

girls out there.. DO NOT be fooled. have sex with him and (1) he dumps you and no one else will want you (perhaps only as a lover but not as a wife. (2) he marries you and you regret for life.

2006-11-09T10:25:00.000+08:00

16 more days to doom. 22 more days to freedom. A few seconds till class starts.

Tired. Slack. Sad. Anxious. Confused.

What am I standing on? Always thought I was standing on rock, because everyone else said so. Maybe its time to find out what rock I am standing on: Igneous? Sand? Metamorphic? I need to be sure of what I am standing on. This is no time to go through the motions without knowing why.

There are some things you need to let go off, but you know you cant.

Forgiveness is something that is difficult. Whoever said that forgiveness is for the weak?? If you can forgive easily, you can be God. Only cowards do not dare to forgive; only the foolish hold on to hatred.

Hope is something that needs to go, because you know that the longer you hold on to it, the more you think that you can have it. Let go before you loss out on everything else.

After thinking through (to all those who know what I am talking about), I guess I have to rephrase myself. I DO NOT mind if my husband cannot do housework. All I am asking for is equality. Does not mean that I am a woman so I must serve you Man. In my family, being a man brings you no privileges. Everyone is equal, just like in God’s family. My brother and my father have to do housework just like everyone else. The only excuse they have is that they do not do housework as well as womenJ. BUT I will mind if he does housework so well that he criticizes me for everything I do. I like to do housework. I just hate being expected to do it.

Strong words for an arts student. Oh well

2006-11-06T22:11:00.000+08:00

something was wrong with me. but its time to change that. time to concentrate on what is more important and time to leave the pain behind.

so many things to change about myself. will i ever live to see the day that these changes happen? or will i enter my adulthood with so many character flaws? i hope not.

how did i come to love you? how did i come to want to know you more? i guess you took the first step, in drawing me to you, before i realized that this relationship can work. i want to make this two way. to love you and to trust you. to become who you wanted me to be. to make you proud. i am doing everything for you. do not let me forget that. do not let me forget you. i want to live everyday with you on my mind and to constantly come back to you.

what exactly does love mean? how is it different from like? or attraction? or crush? why is it so difficult to differentiate them? why is everyone so into this whole facade? does having a boy friend really take away your loneliness? does having a boyfriend really make you seem more attractive?? sigh. i do not know the answers. i doubt i want to find out either.

let the guy take the first step - was telling my cousin that. but he says that nowadays girls are more likely to take the first step so its too idealistic. is that why guys are so good at hinting now? so good that i hardly think its a hint anymore. go and kill yourself la. either make it clear to the girl or just shove that love of yours down your throat.

the world is so unfair. so so unfair.

2006-11-02T10:03:00.000+08:00

be with me, my beloved, so that my smile may never fade.

how many people in this world look for love? look around. every face you see is looking for love.

neglect. loss. fear.

a hug can speak any language louder than words. a hug can stop tears. a compliment can salve one's confidence and boost one's determination.

both of which are free.

2006-11-01T22:42:00.000+08:00

i now know what is wrong with me. "have a happy period!". what a dumb sanitary pad advertisement. as if the pad can cause hormone levels to return to normal. bah.

courage. a term that has long since left my vocabulary. a term that has been brought back to life through the stoning of Paul. its amazing how Paul, after being stoned, got up and walked back into the city. do i have the courage to do that? if i do then i want to do it for You.

its time to be thick skinned. time to be a friend. time to stop sinking.

2006-10-31T13:17:00.000+08:00

2006-10-29T22:03:00.000+08:00

what am i to do with you? tell me. give me a reason. give me something concrete to hold on to!

say the magic words to me. say them to me and make my day. say them to me and i will give myself to you.

stuck in this confusion. everything is grey. everything is...

what on earth am i doing???

its easy to think that loneliness is your constant companion. the only problem is that loneliness does not co-exist with God. so make up your mind.

2006-10-26T10:56:00.000+08:00

I am with a husband because I choose to be, not because I need someone to take care of me. I want to be free to take care of myself. - quote from "the Double Shift"

2006-10-25T23:04:00.000+08:00

getting distracted is as easy as breathing. you dont even know that you have been distracted till you catch yourself doing it.

Heb. 11: 24-29

what on earth am i looking for? what are you looking for? am i willing to give up my pillows for the cause? am i willing to give up my freedom, rights and sleep for you? not so sure after all. will i give up my plans for yours? i hate to say this but i will not. i want a life. i want to enjoy. but i also want you. so what do i want more?

i was disappointed, but you sent me the wonderful number 6 and made life so much more enjoyable. sqeezing into the back row of the bus and the tram. fitting into one table and 2 lockers nicely. no cliques. no rain. no regrets. what else can i ask for?

2006-10-19T22:00:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I just cant help but think I am really useless. I have no way to control my emotions. I get sad so easily. I get discouraged easily. I can be joyful at times, but most of the time I am just sad.

I love fantasy. I love love stories. I love to be happy. I love to feel loved. But its hard to swallow the fact that this is not reality. When you watch a show and get that fuzzy feeling, it is hard when the show ends and all that is left is emptiness, as if the hope simply disappeared into thin air. Whatever happened to the protagonist will never happen to me, although for that one hour I can almost taste the hope that it will. Look around and you will see that shows do not reflect reality.

It is time to choose the kind of woman I want to be: cute, lovable, and pampered? Or strong, long-suffering and firm?

It has come to a point when I find it hard to hold on to the hope I once had. Expected.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the Will of God, you will receive what He has promised. – Hebrews 10:35-36.

I do not know if I am suffering for the His sake. But I do know that I am definitely struggling to hold on to His promises.

2006-10-17T20:52:00.000+08:00

the rug has been pulled from under my feet. the whole world is spinning. cant seem to put my finger on anything.

now i just need to find my bearings.

this is so addictive. hangover is the word.

i am tired of looking at the spectacles and finding out that nothing is what they seem. i NEED my bearings.

why is it that when you look for something you never find it, but when you do not look for it, it suddenly appears? things never happen the way you want them to, do they? is that why it hurts?

2006-10-15T21:52:00.000+08:00

this weekend has really been fruitful. for those who say that God does not exist, think again. if you think i am crazy then do not read on.

i've done something wrong again. but immediately after i have done it, you spoke to me and warned me not to do it again or i will suffer your absence and your silence. then saturday you spoke again thru vincent about forgiveness and that i need to change and find my passion. and today, you spoke about remaining in Christ. i know what i need to do already.

when i first went for this lecture on mass media, my teacher pulled out his pair of glasses and told us this analogy: very often when we see the world, we see it through our glasses without remembering that we are wearing our glasses. in this course, we will look at this pair of spectacles and examine it.

and indeed, i have been examining this pair of spectacles the entire semester. guess what? i have been confused ever since. the world is not as we think it is. what we have taken for granted, i am studying it. in sociology, we have this famous term called "debunk". go find out what it means. but anyway, somehow when joel talked about using the automatic bed on his brother, it struck me as this: de-bunk. to throw off the bunk, or bed. yups. disastrous.

my brain is getting fried. someone please offer to bring me out (by that you had better planned something to do ya).

i have intentionally and successfully carried out my plan to murder. target: grace wan. wait. that name sounds so familiar. yups thats me. i have killed myself. when i embarked on this journey, i knew i would sink very soon. but yups i have. still floating i guess, but struggling. makes me feel all the more alive. the closer you are to death, the more you treasure life.

2006-10-10T23:43:00.001+08:00

just found out that everyone around me is linked some way or another. the entire universe seems to be one giant network and i am simply an outcast.

"oh, so-and-so is your cousin right? she is my church friend!"
"oh really? wow, you know my boyfriend too! you know all my friends"
"and to think we have not met up till now!"

amazing. cant help but make me feel more isolated and marginalized in this large and warm body of NUS.

welcome to the real world.

2006-10-09T22:24:00.000+08:00

studying everyday is tiring. like there is no purpose to life anymore. first thing i see when i wake up is the table. first thing i see when i get home is the table. see table, see books, see day burried in books. wonderful. i need to go on. i am very very bored and tired of everything now. i need something to spice up my life.

2006-10-06T00:35:00.000+08:00

it has been some time since i last posted here. but so much has happened in my life.

o but first, check this out. http://pic1.funtigo.com/valuca?g=25544746&cr=1
i have always loved clouds. they are such beautiful creations of God. silent, pure, sheltering us from the full blow of the sun, yet soft and comforting to look at. they are unpredictable and mysterious. no one can fully tell what shape they are going to form next. so beautiful!! i would not mind being a cloud, silently pointing others to the creativity of God, yet not as visible and no power of my own. just being a silent and inconspicuous vessel. must take more photos the next time i get on a plane =p

anyway, so many of my lectures have been about Christianity recently. and nothing good about Christianity has been said. Christianity is patriarchal. Christianity justified war. Christianity robbed women of their rights. sometimes i feel so upset after lessons. what have i been experiencing all my life? who was the one who disciplined me? who is responsible for the Grace today? i need to go to SBC soon and get my theological training asap. so i can get back and shoot my lecturers. or simply invite the holy spirit upon them. -whistles-

suddenly take a deep breath does not sound so comforting anymore. it can now be used as a death threat. choose the kind of death you want. the slow death whereby you kill your cells by inhaling the substances in the air, or simply stopping to breathe and die instantly. my eyes hurt, my back hurts, my lungs hurt, my throat hurts. i am dying. come on everyone. let us stop all driving activities and take public transport. or else i will be next on the orbituary: girl died of inhaling too much air.

ever since sem started i have started to hate thursdays and fridays. they are horrible days. tomorrow i have lessons from 10am to 4pm non stop, with a test at 12pm to 2pm. this means i have to eat in class AGAIN. then after my lecture ends at 4pm i have to rush down to give my tuition kid tuition. one hour travel. tuition starts at 5pm. lets just pray that she does well given the fact that i spent all my revision time on her. then after tuition ends at 7pm (in boon lay), i have to rush down to clementi AGAIN, for project meeting at 8pm and we will probably end around 11 plus. horrible. means i have to eat dinner in a rush too. explains my gastric problems huh. sigh.

i think this is my longest post so far. to all those i have been sms-ing, sorry to bother you. i really need an outlet. and thanks for bothering to reply me=)

2006-09-21T21:47:00.000+08:00

Expectation. The illusion. The restriction. Do we think that expectations help us grow? Or are they merely tools to restrict your growth, dehumanizing you and making you less than whole?

Freedom needs to be earned. Through hard work. Through making sacrifices.

What do I have to do to make you love me?

2006-09-19T16:01:00.000+08:00

was in school yesterday.. then it rained when i was going to go home.. but since i had no one to eat lunch with in school i decided to just walk in the rain.. since it was not so heavy yet.

then in the bus i reached into my bag to take my mp3 out.. then guess what.. i brought my umbrella!!! so dumb huh.. totally forgot that i brought my umbrella then get myself wet.

then it got me thinking about how many of us actually walk into troubles in life, like exams, friendship problems, ready to face it on our own.. when all along we have Christ in our bag, waiting for us to call to him for help. if i had remembered that i had my umbrella i would have taken it out and walked into the rain with it, fully assured that i am protected. but how many of us actually remember about God?

dont walk into troubles without Christ again, it is horrible.

had a fruitful quiet time today. found out what my purpose in life was:
Personnel: Grace Wan
Target: God
Mission: To please God with my life
Instructions: draw near to God through Quiet Time, Obey His Commands, love His people, show Him appreciation

Mission Possible.

2006-09-17T01:00:00.000+08:00

the drought is here. the plant needs watering.

because he lives, i can face tomorrow,
because he lives, all fear is gone.
because i know, he holds the future,
and life is worth the living just because he lives.

shut up. say it only when you mean it. everything else is meaningless.

faith is not about emotions. follow the one even when you cant see the road ahead.

2006-09-12T21:34:00.000+08:00

its September already. this means that the work load has more than doubled. i am very very behind time. still doing readings for week one. -round of applause-.

i am afraid of the decisions i have made. suddenly i am questioning why i am doing sociology. i am not creative. i do not critically view all opinions. i just naturally take them in. what am i going to do? at this rate i will die for everything.

why on earth did i say i am for the notion?!?!?!?! i am so dead. " i should have just gone with the flow.

2006-09-08T15:01:00.000+08:00

My lovely Samsoon:

I love this show. Tells the real story and the emotional story behind relationships.

Girls: now you know that what you feel is NORMAL. Everyone feels it.

Boys: this is what you throw girls into when you are indecisive!!!!

School has just started but I feel like I need a break. But I know when the break comes I will be studying so I still end up needing more sleep. Sigh. I think China will love me soon. While I become their National Treasure.

2006-09-06T00:20:00.000+08:00

everything seems clearer now. the emotions. the struggles. the liberation.

i love my lovely samsoon

with great power comes great responsibility. are we ready for democracy? or is it just a myth?

2006-08-31T10:03:00.001+08:00

Yay! Its raining!! O wait.. I am not in bed.. wait. Im not even at home!

And I dont have an umbrella. Sh_t

Today is a great day. First I woke up earlier than I expected. Then I fell down in the middle of the road when there were no cars. Phew. Altho there were so many people around who saw me ><

I need a hug too.. and I need a: you will make it through.

Why cant I seem to find a lunch buddy this week?